How to Know a Controlling Parent and Ways to Deal with Them as an Adult

Author: Praise Ejiro
Last Update On: 06-Feb-2023 06:28:32am
Category: Family & Relationship
Topic: Advice, Self Help

A controlling Parent is a lot to deal with physically, mentally and emotionally....

You might not understand what it means to grow up under a controlling Parent until you are of age and you are aware now that you can make decisions for yourself and this is the point you would be experiencing a lot of conflict with them because you have realized that overtime they have been controlling and probably because you feel they are your parents, you have to obey but Growth happens.

How do you know a controlling Parent?

They are always choosing for you. A controlling Parent would always want to impose their opinions or thoughts on you. So they want you to accept what they think it's good for you. They don't want to know your opinion. For instance, a controlling Parent would always turn down any partner you want to get married to as long as they don't like him. What happened to your own feeling towards your partner?
They always make you feel bad. This is just it. Have you been in a situation when they expect something from you and you are unable to meet their expectations? note that a controlling Parent place so much expectations on their children and if you are unable to meet probably one of those expectations, that's when you would start hearing phrases like: 'Despite all that I went through...... I carried you for 10months...." or phrases like "I suffered on your head." They use negative expressions to communicate their disappointment and shame. What happens next? If your parents have a strong hold on you, you'll now begin to feel emotional and you might want to start bending to their will because at that point, they have succeeded in making you feel bad and obligated to do what they want and at the end of the day you please them and displease yourself.
They are synonymous to 'monitoring spirit.' This is quite funny but it's really true. It's a good thing when you have a parent who really wants to be involved in your affair but it becomes annoying when it turns out that you are being watched or monitored like a baby when you know that you have grown to do certain things, go certain places or make certain decisions especially with the incessant calls to know every move you take. lol. Our parents are really wonderful. Sometimes, they train us with some unknown fear that they have. Hence, they tend to monitoring. They just want to make sure that you are fine and sometimes because of their fear, they tend to prevent you from doing certain things that they are afraid of.
They are not matured emotionally. Parent who is not matured emotionally complains almost about everything. They are too self-centered to focus on the needs of their children. They can't even cope or manage their emotions so they are unable to serve as emotional support for their children. This kind of parent has a way of getting the attention of the whole family especially when they really need the attention to soothe them. They can easily get angry over anything.
They rely on others to stabilize them. Parents who feel their children are to be responsible for them fall under this category. In as much as it's important for children to help and care for their parents when they can, it's also important to know that they are not obligated to and some parents don't see it this way because they feel they have all the rights to depend on their children. Parents who are not emotionally mature would always get upset when they see that their children isn't meeting these expectations and they also become insensitive to their children's affair.

So how do you deal with all of these?

Get to understand your parent. Understanding them helps you to know how to relate and deal with them without bringing up conflicts. For some parents, they like it when their children listen to whatever they have to say. Whether it's something you agree with or not just listen and don't engage in argument with them- that's what they want. Let them say what they have to say and when they are done, if you feel you need talk, have the boldness to say what's best for you even if you know they might disagree with you. Learn to stand on your ground without being disrespectful.
Set your boundaries. This is very important because when boundaries are set, your parent is aware of their limit. This might not be easy to do because you think it might hurt them; but they need to know when to interfere and not when to interfere. They need to know what to say to you and not what to say to you.
Sometimes, take actions. Yes! Taking actions sometimes against their expectations helps to waken their awareness that they cannot always get you to do what they want always. Actions might cause conflict but when done for a period of time, they would adjust to your new you. Don't be scared to act against what they are expecting.
Learn not to let them get you. Your ability to guard your heart and not allow what your parent say to you to get to you would go a long way in helping your emotional state. You would not need to do things because your parents are making you feel bad about it but because you are convinced to do it or not to do it.
Stop depending on them. If you're an adult, and you are still depending on your parent for financial help, try to stop it. By doing this, you give them less power over you. Being financially independent helps your parent to know obviously that you're capable of taking Care of yourself.
Communication. This is also important. Talking to your Parent about how you feel helps releasing the burden from your mind. Be gentle when expressing your feeling. Using the 'I' statement helps you not to make your parent feel that they are at fault. it helps you come from the perspective of taking ownership for your feelings. For instance: You can say things like “I feel like you're controlling me instead of " You upset me when you control me...." this would appeal to her emotions more.